When you think about it, abiding in Christ should make us the best possible kind of friend. We should be able to show to others the best character qualities there are…Christ’s…the fruit of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, gentleness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, self-control, Galatians 5:25. Others should be attracted to us BECAUSE we exhibit these qualities. But, for our sakes and for the sake of others we should have some mental ground rules for developing friendships. Think about these:
1. Be careful and take your time. You’re risking a lot, so do not be in a hurry.
2. Try to discern if this person is “free from neediness”…are they looking to you to make them feel good about themselves? (That’s God’s job)…are they requiring, perhaps demanding a lot of your time?
3. Are they “negative” in their conversation? Are they frequently putting a negative “spin” on situations? Do you find yourself feeding into their negativity when ordinarily you would not?
4. Do you feel “shut in” with this person…no one else allowed in?
5. Do you come away from time with them feeling distressed or even depressed?
These things need to be considered in forming friendships…it kind of falls into the area of an “unequal yoke”…believe it or not, some people can’t be fixed! They have chosen to stay where they are, and God being a gentleman, won’t force them to change. He will urge, but not force. People as I described above are always looking for friends…they wear out the ones they have and have to move on to others. So be careful!
So how do we make wise evaluations in forming friendships? Think about these things:
1. You share mutual concerns and interests.
2. The focus for each of you is doing something positive for the other.
3. We must be willing to risk rejection, and perhaps be misunderstood.
4. Be willing to understand and love unconditionally.
5. Be willing to be open and transparent.
6. Be willing to “serve” the other.
7. Be willing to confront…one of the most difficult things to do.
8. Be willing to ask for and give forgiveness, and say, “I’m sorry”
9. Accept criticism and praise gladly, have their best interest at heart
10. Be committed to the spiritual growth of the other, and allow the principles of Scripture to govern the relationship.
Few things in life are more rewarding than a mutual and edifying friendship! One of the most difficult things to do as a friend, is to understand what is going on at times. You know something is wrong but you just can’t put your finger on it…here are some things to consider when you are in that spot.
Attitudes that destroy relationships:
1. selfishness 2. manipulation 3. jealousy 4. criticism
5. anger/exploding 6. coveting 7. disloyalty 8. dishonesty
9. busyness
If you give some thought to the above, any of them can cause harm to a relationship…where do you stand?
Ways to heal and rebuild a relationship:
1. address the matter 2. determine what happened 3. apologize where appropriate 4. refuse to explain and/or defend yourself, God will do it for you…..5. Ask…what can I do? 6. make a commitment to rebuild…
Additionally, you may want to consider these things…
1. Am I projecting onto my friend something or a problem with someone from my past?
2. Am I acting fearful, afraid to open up or be transparent?
3. Am I expecting more than they can give?
4. Am I feeling rejected because of my own insecurity?
Considering our own true feelings and why you are having this problem can open up areas in our lives that need healing, a healing that only God can give. He wants us whole, and if we look at ourselves, and see we are over-reacting to someone’s desires or expectations in a friendship, we may need God’s touch for us too, personally.
Most of what I have written here i have learned from personal experience. Additionally, I’ve taught classes to inmates on Healing for Damaged Emotions for many, many years. All the while I taught, I continued to learn myself. God is awesome in His patience and love, as well as His desire for us to be whole. He is the One that makes that possible, try it…you’ll profit greatly.
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